dryden and i went to trappers today. it was him, me, his friend jamie, and 5 girls. it was a lot of fun. we had our first kiss btw (more like first 1000 kisses). he’s really cute and really fun and really nice and i should be getting any of my hopes up but im really glad i decided to go out with him and his friends tonight. 

i made out with scott

i made out with scott

i made out with scott

i made out with scott

i made out with scott

i made out with scott

i made out with scott

i made out with scott

i made out with scott

and then with Adam

what the fuck

what the fuck

what the fuck

what the fuck

what the fuck

they were both really good kissers though

I always knew the chance of a long distance relationship working out was slim, but I never really thought I’d be the one to want to cut it short. This past weekend changed my perspective on things and the type of person I am. He’s really important to me but not being able to see each other in ways outside of a webcam is difficult beyond belief. Especially when there are all the other aspects of university life to get caught up in. I feel like I’m being a bit too final about all this but maybe something will be more possible in the future when distance isn’t so much of an issue. But for now, here’s to new experiences. AKA more partying. A lot more. 

Timing is impeccable. 

my biggest pet peve is when people use my things without asking

also when people use my things and forget about it but when the tables are turned they expect you to pay up ASAP

you use my stuff without asking all the time

- when you forgot your student card i bought you you chocolate milk, you said you’d pay me back soon and I was fine with that arrangement

- i paid you in advance for the j-hall spirit sunglasses that you never even ended up buying (so you have my money)

- i took you home with me and paid for all the meals we ate out using my own money

-  i paid for your subway fare and you said you’d pay me back, and I said okay

- i come back and realize my tissue box is missing and the first thing you say is “i didnt touch it, i dont use other peoples’ things” yet you end up bringing them to me like “are these yours? i found them in the lounge, i wonder how they got there” and then when I suggest we ask the RA to check the video cameras, since having our personal belongings mysteriously end up halfway down the hall isn’t a good idea, you suddenly remember that you used them to clean the tables and forgot them there. And I said don’t worry about it, it’s okay

- the way the room is set up, we each have 2 sets of outlets to plug our stuff in. yet you decide to place your dressing table in front of your set and instead come use my power bar to plug in all your shit, even in the mornings when I’m sleeping i get awoken by you boiling water using the extension cord right beside my head. and i had to hide my other one since you would use it and accidentally unplug my fridge and ruin my food

- before I left i mention that the giant box of like 50 mini bags of chips my parents brought me  before the break are about to go bad. i come back to find about 4 bags left and you mention that you ate a few. A FEW. HOW MANY DOES “A FEW” MEAN? More than 3/4 are gone!! And I said don’t worry about it, it’s okay

Yet you make me a drink that has like 4 shots in it, and we split a 7$ pizza at lunch and you completely forget 

and i said I would just give you a mickey of THIRTEEN shots to pay you back for the drink but that’s more than triple what you gave me, and you’re on my ass for that when it’s been about 1 week, and in that entire time i’ve been bedridden with the flu

and i’m still getting over the flu so when i get a sudden coughing fit in the middle of the night you get pissed and tell me to be quiet (while you’re sleeping) yet you wake me up every single fucking night by talking and yelling in your sleep and I don’t even get mad

honestly, familiarity breeds contempt. i cant wait to have my own room again. actually, make that the master bedroom with personal bathroom. no way i’m living in my brothers house and letting someone else get the best room in the house

i’m so lost

i have no idea where i went wrong or what i did to make things different. maybe we weren’t on the same page all along, or maybe i thought it was more than what it was. for someone that accidentally refers to me as your “girlfriend” and whose parents know me as that, you sure change your mind quick. i’m so confused as to what you want me to say to you. how do i make this better? i honestly thought things were going to be better. i tell you my feelings and you reply “you’re gay”. thanks for shutting me down. i ask you to text me in the morning if you want to work things out but now it’s almost 1:00 pm and nothing. im sorry if im being clingy but if im not mistaken we’ve always expected more from each other. i wish i didnt text him last night, i wonder if he would have taken the initiative to contact me. 

i’m done trying to make you happy when that’s clearly not what you want

The only thing that bothers me is not knowing where I stand with someone.
While its obvious what we pretty much are, titles are the deciding factor. While ultimately useless, they are pretty essential to relationships with people. If it were anyone else I would be a lot more anxious. Leaving is going to be sad but I know that I would rather have this, whatever this unspoken but implied relationship is with him, rather than some concrete written-in-stone acknowledgement with anyone else.

i just want to scream because you don’t take me seriously and after everything i can’t stand the thought of you being undecided

it’s all in or nothing so obviously i get insecure and retreat at the slightest mention of you having options, even if it is just a joke

and then no matter what im always thinking about how i cant let it fall apart now, because we are basically all in or nothing. and i can’t have the nothing

i just wish these next two weeks would hurry up so that we can be in the same city and figure out what’s going on

and on the other hand i want these next two weeks to go by as slow as possible because i love living here and i dont want to leave and you and my family and my concert are the only reasons i even want to come home this break

so if i dont have you then what do i have

i’d settle for the lesser of two evils